


Brokenhearted

by jealoussam (swsquadleadr327)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 22:01:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1363297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swsquadleadr327/pseuds/jealoussam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four months after Dean has died, Castiel still is working his way through that loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brokenhearted

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a roleplay verse in which Dean and Castiel have been married for a number of years and have four adopted children. Cas has been human for most of their children's lives and ages alongside Dean. Peyton is the oldest, then the twins Ashton and Mary Ellen, and finally Hayden, the youngest.

Over the past few months Cas had learned that he hated sleeping in the bed. That had never been a problem before but things were different now. He couldn’t fall asleep on the couch anymore, and although the bed was slightly easier, it was almost impossible to fall asleep each night and even worse to wake up. It wasn’t a problem with the bed, or the couch, but rather what was missing from both things.

Cas rolled over in bed and reluctantly opened his eyes. Gingerly he reached out one hand and brushed his fingers against the cold pillow as he fought back the lump in his throat.

“Good morning, Dean,” he whispered hoarsely. Logically he knew Dean couldn’t hear him- prayers didn’t reach human souls in heaven- but it made him feel better anyway. One of the things Cas had learned about in his past few decades on earth as a human was that prayers didn’t need to be heard or even answered to achieve a desired effect. And in this case Cas wanted to imagine, just for a moment, that Dean could still hear him.

The moment never lasted very long, however, and in just a few seconds he felt the crushing weight of the realization that he was facing another very long day without Dean. It had already been almost four months since he died and Cas had learned what it felt like to feel a piece of himself die too. Of course, it felt like more pieces of himself were dying each morning he woke up without Dean.

The past four months hadn’t been easy on anyone. Cas had hardly seen Peyton except for the day Dean had died and a handful of days afterwards. She had been either furious with him or on the edge of too drunk to function and he had absolutely no idea how to handle the second one. Her anger he could handle; he was angry with himself too. If he had still been an angel this whole thing would have been so much easier. Just a quick trip to heaven to see Dean whenever he wanted and to relay the messages from Peyton. Sometimes right before he finally fell into a restless sleep he’d remember the look on Peyton’s face when he had told her that he had no way to speak to Dean anymore.

That didn’t stop Cas from praying anyway. There was a small chance Dean could hear him; it was small but he was willing to take it. Cas always tried to keep it simple. He’d tell Dean about his day, about whether he’d seen the kids or not. It seemed wrong to outright lie to him but Cas usually tried to keep Peyton’s condition vague. “She’s… coping as best she can with how much she misses you,” was usually the only thing Cas would say on the subject. It didn’t help that he’d hardly seen her over the past few months. A part of Cas knew he should put in more effort but he had no idea what to do. Dean had always been the only one that knew how to handle her and with him gone… Cas knew she was in even more pain than he was.

Normally Cas tried to force himself out of bed as soon after he woke up as he could. There were a variety of reasons for that, including but not limited to, the fact that if he didn’t get up quickly then he would end up not moving for the rest of the day. That had happened once or twice the first week Dean had died but he knew he couldn’t let that become a habit. Sometimes it was hard to convince himself, though. All the kids were grown and it was easy to think that they didn’t need him. They each had their own lives and he didn’t even see them every day. Cas suspected that had something to do with the way he’d sometimes ignore their calls. He told himself it was because he couldn’t get to the phone in time, that it was too far away and he’d gotten just old enough that his movements were slow and there was an annoying ache in his knees and other joints that wouldn’t go away. That pain was nothing compared to the constant ache in his chest, but no amount of aspirin could do anything about that.

When Cas finally managed to convince himself to roll out of bed he couldn’t help but notice that he felt worse than usual. His legs hardly wanted to support his weight and it took another few minutes before he felt confident enough to walk. His chest ached and it felt like he was fighting for every breath. If Cas was being honest with himself it felt similar to when he’d learned that Dean was dead. He felt numb everywhere, his whole chest hurt and he was sure if he were to just lay down again he wouldn’t get up. A big part of him didn't want to.

Cas tried to go about his daily routine, something he had to drag himself through now, but gave up about halfway through. He didn’t like it and he debated against it but he finally decided to call Hayden to see if she would come over and sit with him for a while, and maybe even take him tothe doctor. He had to be feeling pretty bad if he was thinking about a doctor visit. Hayden didn’t answer, though, and Cas couldn’t blame her. If he was in her position he wouldn’t want to come and deal with him either. Cas settled on leaving her a message, although he briefly toyed with just hanging up.

“Sorry to bother you, Hayden,” Cas said as lightly he could manage but his voice sounded forced even to his ears. “I just wanted to see how you were doing. Or maybe if you’d heard from Peyton. She ignored my call again yesterday.” He paused to clear his throat, feeling that annoying tightening in his chest worsen briefly. “I… Well, I suppose that’s it. I miss you, but… I know you’re busy. I’ll call you again tomorrow. Love you, Hayden. Pass that on to the twins and Peyton for me, would you? Alright. Goodbye.” With that he hung up the phone and put it back in its place in the kitchen.

Suddenly Cas had the overwhelming urge to go lay down again, and while it was something he wouldn’t normally consider he couldn’t really think of a reason why he shouldn’t. With that Cas turned and went back to the bedroom. Something definitely felt strange because as he sunk down into the bed and faced Dean’s empty side of the bed the ache in his chest that had persistedover the past few months started to ease away. He had time to vaguely wonder why that was but not much as he grabbed Dean’s pillow to bury his face in it. Initially it was his way of capturing some small trace of Dean’s familiar scent but that was long since gone over the past four months. Now it was just habit and Cas found himself slipping into sleep almost immediately.

Dimly Cas had time to think how glad he was to finally beable to fall asleep without a struggle for the first time in months. Within moments his breath was even and shallow as he slipped into a deep sleep. He didn’t even hear the phone ring a few minutes later. When he finally opened his eyes he was only slightly surprised to find himself staring into a familiar pair of green eyes with the awful ache completely missing from his chest, and he knew this time it wasn’t just a dream.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Heya, Cas.”


End file.
